ahhhhh..
To think of it i've been acting rather gay the last few months.
I wanted the green princess so bad.
That i allowed my emotions to take the better of me.
Embed in my head was the thought that i'm going to fail and might never get her.
That was prolly one of the reasons why i acted in such a gay manner.
Thus causing me to fail, cause i was negative and pessimistic.
With my head in a slur , i acted in ways that i shouldnt have.
I was constantly thinking of how much i wanted the G.P
That i was unable to think clear.
Its like doing maths equations when you're high on drugs.(Okay.. maybe not)
With a fuzzy mind, i think in ways that i never will. if emotions were not present.
I thought i had everything to lose , (i probably have lost everything)
So i tried everything i could, without thinking of the consequences.
To think in the way that i'll fail, caused me to fail.
I've been fickle in making decisions,
I've failed.
"God be thanked, the meanest of His creatures,
boasts two soul-sides, one to face the world with,
One to show a woman when he loves her!" - Robert browning.
Well not exactly the best quote,
But this relatively unfamiliar emotion has left me befuddled causing me to act in desperation.
I've portrayed an image that prolly fucked everything up.
Allow me to hit the restart button and try again.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Eternal limbo of uncertainty (1st may)
Dumb trash.
Stuck in the eternal limbo of uncertainty.
Sing a song , Swing along.
Riding bikes is a temporary cessation of unhappiness.
Roll around on rubber wheels, to a layman. what form of happiness does it bring?
Lets do a little mental restructuring.
To a layman, what is there to be unhappy about? Given the current situation
Why dont i view everything unhappy from a layman point of view.
And view subjects and activity from a person who thoroughly enjoys it.
And is not doing it as an escape?
but a layman is un-affected.
Shouldnt one be indifferent to oneself to feel genuine ETERNAL joy?
"Animals feel happy as long as they have good health and sufficient food to eat.human beings , one feels , OUGHT to be , but they are not. at least in a great majority of cases."
- A rip from one of the paragraphs in a book written by bertrand russell a renowned atheist that has written a number of great books , such as In praise of idleness, religion and science. blah blah
And its very fucking frustrating! to sprain your ankle. once again.
The last time i injured my ankle. i took a whopping 6 months to heal.
Why so long?
First, it was rather bad. Huge lump. You could possible conceal an egg in the swellings. that big.
2ndly, haha . i went riding 3 days later.Dude, its the extended holidays man!. The sun smiles, the trees dance. How can you NOT want to ride?!
Oh yea, how did i sprain my ankle?
lazy to tell. but it was doing something stupid and unnecessary
Stuck in the eternal limbo of uncertainty.
Sing a song , Swing along.
Riding bikes is a temporary cessation of unhappiness.
Roll around on rubber wheels, to a layman. what form of happiness does it bring?
Lets do a little mental restructuring.
To a layman, what is there to be unhappy about? Given the current situation
Why dont i view everything unhappy from a layman point of view.
And view subjects and activity from a person who thoroughly enjoys it.
And is not doing it as an escape?
but a layman is un-affected.
Shouldnt one be indifferent to oneself to feel genuine ETERNAL joy?
"Animals feel happy as long as they have good health and sufficient food to eat.human beings , one feels , OUGHT to be , but they are not. at least in a great majority of cases."
- A rip from one of the paragraphs in a book written by bertrand russell a renowned atheist that has written a number of great books , such as In praise of idleness, religion and science. blah blah
And its very fucking frustrating! to sprain your ankle. once again.
The last time i injured my ankle. i took a whopping 6 months to heal.
Why so long?
First, it was rather bad. Huge lump. You could possible conceal an egg in the swellings. that big.
2ndly, haha . i went riding 3 days later.Dude, its the extended holidays man!. The sun smiles, the trees dance. How can you NOT want to ride?!
Oh yea, how did i sprain my ankle?
lazy to tell. but it was doing something stupid and unnecessary
Sleeping thoughts
First thing in my mind when i wake up , last thing in my mind before i pass out.<- that i guess is the reason why i cant sleep. I think of all the mistakes i make. whats more i dont know how to tackle and resolve. fuck. how sia. no guidelines.
Whats worst then having little sleep or no sleep? Not being able to sleep when yuo want to.
GOD DAMNIT.
I need a new reason to live.
Or.
I need to stay on my bike 24/7
ride till i drop. cause i dont have an capacity in my mind to think about others.
Riding is a temporary cessation of depression.
Whats worst then having little sleep or no sleep? Not being able to sleep when yuo want to.
GOD DAMNIT.
I need a new reason to live.
Or.
I need to stay on my bike 24/7
ride till i drop. cause i dont have an capacity in my mind to think about others.
Riding is a temporary cessation of depression.
Green princess woes
We are brought up with the constant reminder that we are not good enough
We Are trained to think that whatever activity we partake in has a large tendency for errors to occur.
We are unknown to failure.
We are unhappy, we are never happy because ,
We acquire things that we have ONLY moderate desire for.
We do not understand that if the process of acquisition is invaluable. It makes the end product invaluable.
An item will be invaluable if the process of creation itself contains no value.
To reap the fruits of labour, why do the fruits taste exception?
Like why do mamee crackers taste soo much better in class(in sec school) then in poly?
We had to work hard to consume junk food in class out of the teacher's attention.
We worked , hence it tastes good.
The key to be happy is to be without something that you value.
Only then when you Finally acquire that something.
You will be genuinely happy.
Seems like, Green princess is out of my reach.
To wait i shall not, to work hard for her i will.
She is one whom i have more then a moderate desire for
She is one whom i have overwhelming desire to care and to embrace.
Cause she will be the source of genuine happiness.
In this materialistic world, Where gods cease to exist,
Fate doesnt exist.
Fate. the summation of chances . is merely a nostalgic way to look at life.
If only. If only. If only .
That will be your downfall.
She is what i want, she is what i will have.
I'll give all i can, whatever i can.
She is the world.
She deserves all the time in my world.
I'll succeed,
I want to be happy.
In a world where materialistic joys die out.
The true and genuine happiness lies in GREEN PRINCESS YO!!!
Shes nirvana, shes the zenith , the pinnacle of nian's desire.
Shes...
MY BELOVED...
FLY TIERRA YO!, too bad. sold to justin liao
HA!
We Are trained to think that whatever activity we partake in has a large tendency for errors to occur.
We are unknown to failure.
We are unhappy, we are never happy because ,
We acquire things that we have ONLY moderate desire for.
We do not understand that if the process of acquisition is invaluable. It makes the end product invaluable.
An item will be invaluable if the process of creation itself contains no value.
To reap the fruits of labour, why do the fruits taste exception?
Like why do mamee crackers taste soo much better in class(in sec school) then in poly?
We had to work hard to consume junk food in class out of the teacher's attention.
We worked , hence it tastes good.
The key to be happy is to be without something that you value.
Only then when you Finally acquire that something.
You will be genuinely happy.
Seems like, Green princess is out of my reach.
To wait i shall not, to work hard for her i will.
She is one whom i have more then a moderate desire for
She is one whom i have overwhelming desire to care and to embrace.
Cause she will be the source of genuine happiness.
In this materialistic world, Where gods cease to exist,
Fate doesnt exist.
Fate. the summation of chances . is merely a nostalgic way to look at life.
If only. If only. If only .
That will be your downfall.
She is what i want, she is what i will have.
I'll give all i can, whatever i can.
She is the world.
She deserves all the time in my world.
I'll succeed,
I want to be happy.
In a world where materialistic joys die out.
The true and genuine happiness lies in GREEN PRINCESS YO!!!
Shes nirvana, shes the zenith , the pinnacle of nian's desire.
Shes...
MY BELOVED...
FLY TIERRA YO!, too bad. sold to justin liao
HA!
I'm 18 years of age,
j'ai dix huit-ans
boku Ju hatchi-sai
wo jing ri shi ba shiu
Or hai sap Pat shiea
I've lived for 18 years,
and 4 of which has been spent liking the green princess.
3.1/2 of which has been pretty much in secrecy.
Now this is a side of nian you'll never see .
I tried, i failed.
Nian is not known for pessimism.
To plenty , nian is never known for giving up.
he likes it. he nails it. and its his.
Because nian always had this confidence that he'll find a way to do it somehow.
I had the confidence. Nian what! Kicking ass.
I had a fucking good mentality.
I still have.
But now , I'm stuck in an all new scenario. Fresh.
I began brimming with confidence.
.....
...
..
.
3.5 Years spent , adoring a saintly being from afar.
At least i was a crazy happy kid.
For the last 16 years , i had this uncanny ability to suppress negative emotions.
Revealing only happiness , To most. Even to that of my poly classmates, they have the impression that i'm a crazy happy kid. But recently , thy evil twin of happiness is back to haunt me.
I need a cure for the extra-ordinary unhappiness from which few people in my plight suffers.
It is all the more unbearable because, It has no obvious external cause , it appears inescapable.
Like i said, Sleep is a temporary cessation to my troubles.
I was unable to tackle this problem like how i usually would.
I cant do it head on,
Unlike many other situations.
This one i cannot fuck up...
But i fucked up.
Head on i went.
Into a brick wall, i crashed.
I allowed a spur of emotions to take the better of me,
Blowing the very confident image that i've portrayed.
I still kick ass.
I'm disappointed, at myself,
The main cause for my failure.
how i lacked the ability to control and think further.
I dont know what to say ,
I dont know how to act
I want to do everything
but theres nothing i can do
I want to give it everything,
but theres nothing that i have of value.
The things that i have are only of a materialistic value.
I'm lucky, to have almost everything i wanted.
And to have everything that i have a moderate desire for, everything becomes nothing.
Now that something of which i have an overwhelming desire to care is present,
I have nothing to give ,
I'm nothing for i have everything
That something is everything cause i'm nothing
To that something ,
I am nothing ...
In this superficial , materialistic world
To most , i'm happy
To those who lack basic amenities, i'm lucky.
I'm not an opportunist , but i am an idealist .
Why have ideas, when i fuck my opportunities up?
I told myself i wanted to be good in interpersonal communication.
Aint working buddy.
who am i to speak of these.
The feelings come back and haunt me everytime i see something that has to do with green princess.
fuck nian stfu. Go study.
YES SIRREEEE!
5/26/08 by NIAN
j'ai dix huit-ans
boku Ju hatchi-sai
wo jing ri shi ba shiu
Or hai sap Pat shiea
I've lived for 18 years,
and 4 of which has been spent liking the green princess.
3.1/2 of which has been pretty much in secrecy.
Now this is a side of nian you'll never see .
I tried, i failed.
Nian is not known for pessimism.
To plenty , nian is never known for giving up.
he likes it. he nails it. and its his.
Because nian always had this confidence that he'll find a way to do it somehow.
I had the confidence. Nian what! Kicking ass.
I had a fucking good mentality.
I still have.
But now , I'm stuck in an all new scenario. Fresh.
I began brimming with confidence.
.....
...
..
.
3.5 Years spent , adoring a saintly being from afar.
At least i was a crazy happy kid.
For the last 16 years , i had this uncanny ability to suppress negative emotions.
Revealing only happiness , To most. Even to that of my poly classmates, they have the impression that i'm a crazy happy kid. But recently , thy evil twin of happiness is back to haunt me.
I need a cure for the extra-ordinary unhappiness from which few people in my plight suffers.
It is all the more unbearable because, It has no obvious external cause , it appears inescapable.
Like i said, Sleep is a temporary cessation to my troubles.
I was unable to tackle this problem like how i usually would.
I cant do it head on,
Unlike many other situations.
This one i cannot fuck up...
But i fucked up.
Head on i went.
Into a brick wall, i crashed.
I allowed a spur of emotions to take the better of me,
Blowing the very confident image that i've portrayed.
I still kick ass.
I'm disappointed, at myself,
The main cause for my failure.
how i lacked the ability to control and think further.
I dont know what to say ,
I dont know how to act
I want to do everything
but theres nothing i can do
I want to give it everything,
but theres nothing that i have of value.
The things that i have are only of a materialistic value.
I'm lucky, to have almost everything i wanted.
And to have everything that i have a moderate desire for, everything becomes nothing.
Now that something of which i have an overwhelming desire to care is present,
I have nothing to give ,
I'm nothing for i have everything
That something is everything cause i'm nothing
To that something ,
I am nothing ...
In this superficial , materialistic world
To most , i'm happy
To those who lack basic amenities, i'm lucky.
I'm not an opportunist , but i am an idealist .
Why have ideas, when i fuck my opportunities up?
I told myself i wanted to be good in interpersonal communication.
Aint working buddy.
who am i to speak of these.
The feelings come back and haunt me everytime i see something that has to do with green princess.
fuck nian stfu. Go study.
YES SIRREEEE!
5/26/08 by NIAN
This blog , is a blog not meant to be read.
it is pessimistic, negative . and all the more demoralizing.
so , What is this space for?
Its created for a fat green kid, rotting behind his pc.
Angry at not the world, but how the world presents it self to him.
Angry at not people around him, but himself for his perception of the world.
Hes a happy kid. hes me
it is pessimistic, negative . and all the more demoralizing.
so , What is this space for?
Its created for a fat green kid, rotting behind his pc.
Angry at not the world, but how the world presents it self to him.
Angry at not people around him, but himself for his perception of the world.
Hes a happy kid. hes me
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