I'm 18 years of age,
j'ai dix huit-ans
boku Ju hatchi-sai
wo jing ri shi ba shiu
Or hai sap Pat shiea


I've lived for 18 years,
and 4 of which has been spent liking the green princess.

3.1/2 of which has been pretty much in secrecy.

Now this is a side of nian you'll never see .


I tried, i failed.

Nian is not known for pessimism.

To plenty , nian is never known for giving up.
he likes it. he nails it. and its his.

Because nian always had this confidence that he'll find a way to do it somehow.


I had the confidence. Nian what! Kicking ass.
I had a fucking good mentality.
I still have.

But now , I'm stuck in an all new scenario. Fresh.
I began brimming with confidence.
.....
...
..
.





3.5 Years spent , adoring a saintly being from afar.

At least i was a crazy happy kid.


For the last 16 years , i had this uncanny ability to suppress negative emotions.
Revealing only happiness , To most. Even to that of my poly classmates, they have the impression that i'm a crazy happy kid. But recently , thy evil twin of happiness is back to haunt me.

I need a cure for the extra-ordinary unhappiness from which few people in my plight suffers.
It is all the more unbearable because, It has no obvious external cause , it appears inescapable.



Like i said, Sleep is a temporary cessation to my troubles.

I was unable to tackle this problem like how i usually would.
I cant do it head on,
Unlike many other situations.
This one i cannot fuck up...





But i fucked up.
Head on i went.
Into a brick wall, i crashed.


I allowed a spur of emotions to take the better of me,
Blowing the very confident image that i've portrayed.
I still kick ass.

I'm disappointed, at myself,
The main cause for my failure.
how i lacked the ability to control and think further.


I dont know what to say ,
I dont know how to act

I want to do everything
but theres nothing i can do

I want to give it everything,
but theres nothing that i have of value.

The things that i have are only of a materialistic value.


I'm lucky, to have almost everything i wanted.
And to have everything that i have a moderate desire for, everything becomes nothing.
Now that something of which i have an overwhelming desire to care is present,
I have nothing to give ,

I'm nothing for i have everything
That something is everything cause i'm nothing
To that something ,
I am nothing ...


In this superficial , materialistic world
To most , i'm happy
To those who lack basic amenities, i'm lucky.


I'm not an opportunist , but i am an idealist .
Why have ideas, when i fuck my opportunities up?


I told myself i wanted to be good in interpersonal communication.

Aint working buddy.

who am i to speak of these.














The feelings come back and haunt me everytime i see something that has to do with green princess.

fuck nian stfu. Go study.

YES SIRREEEE!


5/26/08 by NIAN