"stop being so nice as u might not be rewarded for that.
so what's the point when the answer to your question is always the same?"
I'm going to fucking die....
Major disappointment. and sadness at the same time.
Why do people think that i'm that shallow?
Arent they shallow to think that i seek much rewards for being plain nice?
Arrggh. If only she feels what sorrow i feel.
I'll be happy if she feels my pain.
Cause i'm pissed with someone. and that someone is the one i love so very much.
Fuck. Just be friends? (You asked us to be friends some time ago. but it seems that you never really even treated me as one)
And to think that i was so fucking devoted. to like you for 4 years and half.
Thanks!
Now she thinks that i'm blaming it on her.
HAHAHAHAHA.
I'm so fucking angry. i dont know what to do.
'
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
What what?!
Ignite
“You have succeeded in life when all you really want is only what you really need.”
i relate.
“You have succeeded in life when all you really want is only what you really need.”
Vernon Howard
What i want? is what i need. but what if i dont get what i need...
“There is no such thing in anyone's life as an unimportant day.”
Link-
So what are you doing today? for the important tomorrow?
"Complexity in emotions is like a foam in a river.It is produced by obstacles which break the smoothly flowing current. But so long as the vital energies are unimpeded, they produce no ripple on the surface, and their strength is not evident to the unobservant."
What i want? is what i need. but what if i dont get what i need...
“There is no such thing in anyone's life as an unimportant day.”
Link-
So what are you doing today? for the important tomorrow?
"Complexity in emotions is like a foam in a river.It is produced by obstacles which break the smoothly flowing current. But so long as the vital energies are unimpeded, they produce no ripple on the surface, and their strength is not evident to the unobservant."
i relate.
A joker for yesterday
"Try not once , not twice but try it till you nail it. " - NIAN
wah sia. nice quote ah!
haha.
but
this aint biking
this aint card tricks
this aint bass playing.
Sticking to my old beliefs , i made multiple futile attempts.
Try not once, not twice but try it till i nail it?
yea. this time.
I'm not the best, but i was never part of the rest.
If i fail. once, and if i fail twice.
My methodology is wrong.
I try again and again.
Reading maths for a chemistry test.
It was of a totally different context.
Keep that mentality.
Change the methodology (Sia, rhyme sia. i can be rappper shiol!)
Not for her. but for myself.
Trash that goofy image.
For the world doesnt depend on a joker.
A joker is never around because hes needed.
A joker is around to fill up the empty space when there is one.
Lameballs.
but why prioritize someone, when you're only an option?
It really is blind huh?
But a blind men sees alot more then one who is not.
Because a blind man feels.
and btw...
THENNNNNNNGS~!
I rock
for now , for real. i'm going to change. for the fucking BETTER and of course. i rockED and im going to Rock even MORE.
thanks!
wah sia. nice quote ah!
haha.
but
this aint biking
this aint card tricks
this aint bass playing.
Sticking to my old beliefs , i made multiple futile attempts.
Try not once, not twice but try it till i nail it?
yea. this time.
I'm not the best, but i was never part of the rest.
If i fail. once, and if i fail twice.
My methodology is wrong.
I try again and again.
Reading maths for a chemistry test.
It was of a totally different context.
Keep that mentality.
Change the methodology (Sia, rhyme sia. i can be rappper shiol!)
Not for her. but for myself.
Trash that goofy image.
For the world doesnt depend on a joker.
A joker is never around because hes needed.
A joker is around to fill up the empty space when there is one.
Lameballs.
but why prioritize someone, when you're only an option?
It really is blind huh?
But a blind men sees alot more then one who is not.
Because a blind man feels.
and btw...
THENNNNNNNGS~!
I rock
for now , for real. i'm going to change. for the fucking BETTER and of course. i rockED and im going to Rock even MORE.
thanks!
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Conclusions to completion
Arrived at a few conclusions. For one i cannot take back my mistakes or change the past. But i can take my experiences , the mistakes I've lived through, to better myself and others.
I gave my life to a fine lady , in a futile attempt to be whom she deemed fit as her life partner.
I gave my life to a fine lady , in a futile attempt to be whom she deemed fit as her life partner.
Friday, August 1, 2008
She is to me
BTT? Passed.
Whoopdeedoo.
Man, Lots to do.
Exams are coming soon
My official ITP pay is 1.70 an hour.
Traveling to work = 2 ERP
BEEP BEEP 4 dollars. In other words , i work 3 hours to get to work
HAHA
Man, i dont want to work
WARNING : EMO SHIT.
Rather not start a new post.
Just add on to the one i made earlier today
I like her alot alot alot.
And i doubt she knows the extent to which i do.
but so what if she knows?
I dont know what i can do to make her feel the same.
To me shes the world
To her i'm just another friend.
Funny how things work.
Life isn't fair. Yet we all preach about democracy and fairness.
A known fact that we all fail to admit.
Why are we humans so obstinate about the negative?
And yet we all claim to be optimistic.
Befuddling huh .
I know my priorities, i know what i want.
but i don't know what does she want?
how can i work for her?
Maybe , hopefully. In time...
I'll get to her. If 4 years aint long enough, i'll do it for another 10. If 14 aint long enough. i'll do it till i die.
Vying hopelessly for a place in her heart,
I shall perish.
Unknown to the faults that i make.
Hidden from the qualities that i lack.
Time ago, Coco asked me
What if someone you really liked came by, what would you do?
Back then i was happier and very much more unknowing
This someone came by..
I put everything on the line.
but that everything wasn't enough to fill up the line.
Am i too crazy to be liked?
it has to be me.
I have what everyone wants, Toys , Gizmos.
but i have nothing that everyone needs.
I'm not perfect, But i practice. Not to be perfect
but hopefully to be good enough for my green princess.
She likes guys who can sing and play the guitar.
i play my bass, but i cannot sing for nuts.
I guess i'm not born with it.
I'm not exactly good looking
i guess i'm not born with it.
Why do i have to possess qualities that she does not care about?
I may not be the smartest prick on earth.
but i am alot more determined then any of you.
I may not be the best looking
but i'm a shit load more dedicated then one with charming looks
She is too nice.
Perhaps the nicest and the most unique person i even met.
When will i be good enough?
...
Just as i thought.
I am a shell of what i used to be.
What made nian .. nian was well his determination and motivation.
Never unmotivated
never undetermined.
I'll be the asshole who cheers myself up.
The asshole who would ride alone on certain days.
Just to improve and tackle a curb.
The asshole who rides for hours in the vicinity of the GP's home
hoping to catch a glance of her.
My priorities.
I know what i want.
but i don't know what to work for what i want...
I cant say these things out loud to whosoever,
So i 'll have to type them out here . only here in my blog that no one visits
Whoopdeedoo.
Man, Lots to do.
Exams are coming soon
My official ITP pay is 1.70 an hour.
Traveling to work = 2 ERP
BEEP BEEP 4 dollars. In other words , i work 3 hours to get to work
HAHA
Man, i dont want to work
WARNING : EMO SHIT.
Rather not start a new post.
Just add on to the one i made earlier today
I like her alot alot alot.
And i doubt she knows the extent to which i do.
but so what if she knows?
I dont know what i can do to make her feel the same.
To me shes the world
To her i'm just another friend.
Funny how things work.
Life isn't fair. Yet we all preach about democracy and fairness.
A known fact that we all fail to admit.
Why are we humans so obstinate about the negative?
And yet we all claim to be optimistic.
Befuddling huh .
I know my priorities, i know what i want.
but i don't know what does she want?
how can i work for her?
Maybe , hopefully. In time...
I'll get to her. If 4 years aint long enough, i'll do it for another 10. If 14 aint long enough. i'll do it till i die.
Vying hopelessly for a place in her heart,
I shall perish.
Unknown to the faults that i make.
Hidden from the qualities that i lack.
Time ago, Coco asked me
What if someone you really liked came by, what would you do?
Back then i was happier and very much more unknowing
This someone came by..
I put everything on the line.
but that everything wasn't enough to fill up the line.
Am i too crazy to be liked?
it has to be me.
I have what everyone wants, Toys , Gizmos.
but i have nothing that everyone needs.
I'm not perfect, But i practice. Not to be perfect
but hopefully to be good enough for my green princess.
She likes guys who can sing and play the guitar.
i play my bass, but i cannot sing for nuts.
I guess i'm not born with it.
I'm not exactly good looking
i guess i'm not born with it.
Why do i have to possess qualities that she does not care about?
I may not be the smartest prick on earth.
but i am alot more determined then any of you.
I may not be the best looking
but i'm a shit load more dedicated then one with charming looks
She is too nice.
Perhaps the nicest and the most unique person i even met.
When will i be good enough?
...
Just as i thought.
I am a shell of what i used to be.
What made nian .. nian was well his determination and motivation.
Never unmotivated
never undetermined.
I'll be the asshole who cheers myself up.
The asshole who would ride alone on certain days.
Just to improve and tackle a curb.
The asshole who rides for hours in the vicinity of the GP's home
hoping to catch a glance of her.
My priorities.
I know what i want.
but i don't know what to work for what i want...
I cant say these things out loud to whosoever,
So i 'll have to type them out here . only here in my blog that no one visits
What i am worth for what i hope
hahha, i was thinking about the green princess and the 4 years i spent.
it wasn't a 4 futile and fruitless 4 years.
I did so many things that prolly improved me as a person.
Ah, think back at all those things i did for her. cause i thought she'll like.
MADE ME A KICKASS NIAN!
hahaha. if only she had the capacity for me to like.Nah. not going to happen. never will.
i dont need sympathy.
i'm just reflecting.
Cause i admire my
HAHA JUST KIDDING!
Ahhh.
I learn t cards so that i can impress her.
Practicing 4-5 hours on the first few months every night.
So that i can show her. somehow.
I picked up the bass , cause i heard she liked dudes with musical background.
Remember the scape gig. She was there after flag day. Standing in the front row donning PE shirt .
but i screwed up.
hahaha
Riding bike,ahhh.
I'll road near her place all the times in the hopes that i can see her.
balls. but still i do love riding bike. Its the only thing i did for myself not for her.
Balls. funky.
When there was a chalet coming, i 'll train extra hard so that i can do something and hopefully impress . Oh well.
I never did.
but i gained something. Skills that one without determination can never achieve.
I actually read up on self-improvement books
HEY HEY DONT LAUGH OKAY.
i was trying that hard.
hahhaa but it did help to a certain extent.
I"M SO GOOD. HOW MUCH CAN THEY IMPROVE ME?
HAHAHAHAHAH
I guess she made me who i am today
she made my
"blue eyes blue"- EC
Dedication?
Nah, more like chasing clouds.
Lets keep my fingers cross, that i'll find a girl who will appreciate.
the fact that nian kicks. fucking ass! WORLD CLASS!
BTW
http://www.crunchyroll.com/media-198698/MAID-Movie-Full.html
This show is fucking corny.
but fucking good!
hahaha.
Man , thai language sure is funny.
it goes well with their sarcastic actions.
HAHAHA!
watch it. ROFL
4 Years and counting
Man , giving up is much harder then it seems.
Even after a hopeless 4 years.
Doing how much didnt really matter.
But oh well, i'll have to give up.
She aint going to be mine anyways.
I'll stop chasing clouds.
hmmm.
Btt monday
Dad's birthday tuesday
Junhao's birthday weds
No school on thursday
Even after a hopeless 4 years.
Doing how much didnt really matter.
But oh well, i'll have to give up.
She aint going to be mine anyways.
I'll stop chasing clouds.
hmmm.
Btt monday
Dad's birthday tuesday
Junhao's birthday weds
No school on thursday
Monday, July 28, 2008
Green Princess Still
I doubt anyone visits this blog
she'll still going to be my motivation
Its not easy to give up something i've been *nian*(sticking) holding on to for 4 years.
Dont blame me if i try to jio her after her poly finishes.
School first. She can reject me all you what. but i'm nian
I try not once not twice but i try it till i succeed.Cause she is still my green princess
Dont steal my motivation.
I cannot live being non-motivated.(not playing bass , not reading books , not playing cards)
4 Years... whats another 10?
Man ..
I like her alot alot alot.
And i doubt she knows the extent to which i do.
but so what if she knows?
I dont know what i can do to make her feel the same.
To me shes the world
To her i'm just another friend.
Funny how things work.
Life isnt fair. Yet we all preach about democracy and fairness.
It is a known fact that we all fail to admit.
Why are we humans so obstinate about the negative?
And yet we all claim to be optimistic.
Befuddling huh .
I know my priorities, i know what i want.
but i dont know what does she want?
how can i work for her?
Maybe , hopefully. In time...
I'll get to her. If 4 years aint long enough, i'll do it for another 10. If 14 aint long enough. i'll do it till i die.
Vying hopelessly for a place in her heart,
I shall perish. Unknown to the faults that i make.
Hidden from the qualities that i lack.
Time ago, Coco asked me
What if someone you really liked came by, what would you do?
Back then i was happier and very much more unknowing
This someone came by,
I was warned, i was told.
I never thought.
That i'll fail.
I put everything on the line.
but that everything wasn't enough to fill up the line.
Am i too crazy to be liked?
it has to be me.
I have what everyone wants, Toys , Gizmos.
but i have nothing that everyone needs.
I'm not perfect, But i practice. Not to be perfect
but to be good enough. Hopefully for my green princess.
She likes guys who can sing and play the gutiar.
i play my bass, but i cannot sing for nuts.
I guess i'm not born with it.
I'm not exactly good looking
i guess i'm not born with it.
Why do i have to possess qualities that she does not care about?
I may not be the smartest prick on earth.
but i am alot more determined then any of you.
I may not be the best looking
but i'm a shit load more dedicated then one with charming looks
She is too nice.
Perhaps the nicest and the most unique person i even met.
When will i be good enough?
...
Just as i thought.
I am a shell of what i used to be.
What made nian .. nian was well his determination and motivation.
Never unmotivated
never undetermined.
I'll be the asshole who cheers myself out.
The asshole who would ride alone on certain days.
Just to improve and tackle a curb.
The asshole who rides for hours in the vicinity of the GP's home
hoping to catch a glance of her.
My priorities.
I know what i want.
but i dont know what to work for what i want
she'll still going to be my motivation
Its not easy to give up something i've been *nian*(sticking) holding on to for 4 years.
Dont blame me if i try to jio her after her poly finishes.
School first. She can reject me all you what. but i'm nian
I try not once not twice but i try it till i succeed.Cause she is still my green princess
Dont steal my motivation.
I cannot live being non-motivated.(not playing bass , not reading books , not playing cards)
4 Years... whats another 10?
Man ..
I like her alot alot alot.
And i doubt she knows the extent to which i do.
but so what if she knows?
I dont know what i can do to make her feel the same.
To me shes the world
To her i'm just another friend.
Funny how things work.
Life isnt fair. Yet we all preach about democracy and fairness.
It is a known fact that we all fail to admit.
Why are we humans so obstinate about the negative?
And yet we all claim to be optimistic.
Befuddling huh .
I know my priorities, i know what i want.
but i dont know what does she want?
how can i work for her?
Maybe , hopefully. In time...
I'll get to her. If 4 years aint long enough, i'll do it for another 10. If 14 aint long enough. i'll do it till i die.
Vying hopelessly for a place in her heart,
I shall perish. Unknown to the faults that i make.
Hidden from the qualities that i lack.
Time ago, Coco asked me
What if someone you really liked came by, what would you do?
Back then i was happier and very much more unknowing
This someone came by,
I was warned, i was told.
I never thought.
That i'll fail.
I put everything on the line.
but that everything wasn't enough to fill up the line.
Am i too crazy to be liked?
it has to be me.
I have what everyone wants, Toys , Gizmos.
but i have nothing that everyone needs.
I'm not perfect, But i practice. Not to be perfect
but to be good enough. Hopefully for my green princess.
She likes guys who can sing and play the gutiar.
i play my bass, but i cannot sing for nuts.
I guess i'm not born with it.
I'm not exactly good looking
i guess i'm not born with it.
Why do i have to possess qualities that she does not care about?
I may not be the smartest prick on earth.
but i am alot more determined then any of you.
I may not be the best looking
but i'm a shit load more dedicated then one with charming looks
She is too nice.
Perhaps the nicest and the most unique person i even met.
When will i be good enough?
...
Just as i thought.
I am a shell of what i used to be.
What made nian .. nian was well his determination and motivation.
Never unmotivated
never undetermined.
I'll be the asshole who cheers myself out.
The asshole who would ride alone on certain days.
Just to improve and tackle a curb.
The asshole who rides for hours in the vicinity of the GP's home
hoping to catch a glance of her.
My priorities.
I know what i want.
but i dont know what to work for what i want
Monday, July 14, 2008
No more no more
Ah , good that i've given up on the green princess.
Reading through what i've typed seemed irrelevant now.
Childish i was. hahaha, funky how i held on so dearly to something that caused me so much damage.
Mentally and physically (No i do no self-mutilate)
But in an attempt to forget i ride reckless-ly.
I'm sure i've changed, and reverted partially to that of the old nian.
I lost my love for her and so did my passion for riding.
or maybe , i rode for her.
i dont know. why did i do that for.
did i think that will actually impress her?
what happened to the genuine satisfaction i derived from learning a new trick?
i dont know, i dont want to know.
Come what may.
i've got a feeling i'm going to love whats coming for me.
I'm sure i'll be better then my dad.
but i cant wait to find out the new passions of my life.
I cant wait to find new stuff that i enjoy doing.
I see her msn, i want to talk but i don't
err broken english.
hahaha.
Yea!
i like the way it is now.
this is not denial, this is hope at its very minimal.
ok no more.
hhahaha chillax!
Reading through what i've typed seemed irrelevant now.
Childish i was. hahaha, funky how i held on so dearly to something that caused me so much damage.
Mentally and physically (No i do no self-mutilate)
But in an attempt to forget i ride reckless-ly.
I'm sure i've changed, and reverted partially to that of the old nian.
I lost my love for her and so did my passion for riding.
or maybe , i rode for her.
i dont know. why did i do that for.
did i think that will actually impress her?
what happened to the genuine satisfaction i derived from learning a new trick?
i dont know, i dont want to know.
Come what may.
i've got a feeling i'm going to love whats coming for me.
I'm sure i'll be better then my dad.
but i cant wait to find out the new passions of my life.
I cant wait to find new stuff that i enjoy doing.
I see her msn, i want to talk but i don't
err broken english.
hahaha.
Yea!
i like the way it is now.
this is not denial, this is hope at its very minimal.
ok no more.
hhahaha chillax!
Sunday, June 22, 2008
6/10/08
Man , I didnt sleep for 2 straight days.
And now. i'll still awake 5am.
Wide awake.(well. not exactly..)
just bothered by some stuff.
Ok la, truth is . theres a girl whom i really like.
Yes.
Cant seem to get through to her.
Fucking hell. i'm becoming just like everyone else.
No longer nian. uniquely nian.
Where girl problems = no problems.
Man, i really do like that girl alot.
She is who i like.
damn, unlike sec school crushes. where you only like a person for her outlooks.
This one is totally different.
I love her personality.
I love who is she.
I love how she thinks
and i love what she does.
I love the way she acts speaks and shit.
Oh yea.
haha, everything i though i wanted , is nothing that i really wanted.
This makes my life, sad..
In contrast to that of my secondary school days
The happy facade. The smiling visage. Born i'm with.
I'm stuck with taht. cause taht is what makes nian , nian.
Haha.
Oh well. Being heartbroken is the worst ever fucking feeling.
Theres NOTHING yuo can do about it.
NOTHING i can do.
The origin, is not from me, myself. But from external sources of which you have no control over.
It is unconditional pain.
It comes anytime .
unlike , stress and depression.
Stress comes from the person himself.
You can control your perception of the degree of importance a project is and hence you can change you idea of stress.
Not . Oh man.
I sound gay.
I better quit.
this aint nian
TMR! i shall post on all the things i like to do.
Hopefully to forget this shit.
Friends we shall be, my liking for her shall never cease.
In fear of losing that very special seconds of my life to speak to her.
I wait as a friend.
In the hopes of her accepting and acknowledging my liking for her.
Slowly, Quietly. Passively.
on my bike.
i need my bike.
Please.
And now. i'll still awake 5am.
Wide awake.(well. not exactly..)
just bothered by some stuff.
Ok la, truth is . theres a girl whom i really like.
Yes.
Cant seem to get through to her.
Fucking hell. i'm becoming just like everyone else.
No longer nian. uniquely nian.
Where girl problems = no problems.
Man, i really do like that girl alot.
She is who i like.
damn, unlike sec school crushes. where you only like a person for her outlooks.
This one is totally different.
I love her personality.
I love who is she.
I love how she thinks
and i love what she does.
I love the way she acts speaks and shit.
Oh yea.
haha, everything i though i wanted , is nothing that i really wanted.
This makes my life, sad..
In contrast to that of my secondary school days
The happy facade. The smiling visage. Born i'm with.
I'm stuck with taht. cause taht is what makes nian , nian.
Haha.
Oh well. Being heartbroken is the worst ever fucking feeling.
Theres NOTHING yuo can do about it.
NOTHING i can do.
The origin, is not from me, myself. But from external sources of which you have no control over.
It is unconditional pain.
It comes anytime .
unlike , stress and depression.
Stress comes from the person himself.
You can control your perception of the degree of importance a project is and hence you can change you idea of stress.
Not . Oh man.
I sound gay.
I better quit.
this aint nian
TMR! i shall post on all the things i like to do.
Hopefully to forget this shit.
Friends we shall be, my liking for her shall never cease.
In fear of losing that very special seconds of my life to speak to her.
I wait as a friend.
In the hopes of her accepting and acknowledging my liking for her.
Slowly, Quietly. Passively.
on my bike.
i need my bike.
Please.
Selective perspective
Deemed Childish by nian.
Do not read unless you really care.
You dont have to care.
Hes nian. he can handle everything except one thing.
9 Am , Its really really.
I see people around me. Waking up. Getting up for work. Preparing for a new day.
Here i am, Rotting infront of my computer.
Deprived from sleep.
Not that i dont want to sleep. Its just that i cannot sleep.
My friends, both of them. Sound asleep. Behind me.
Here i am. Wide awake. Once again, My train of thoughts has robbed me of my sleep as well as happiness.
Dwelling into negativity.
I hope i've got my mind sorted out.
Cause all of a sudden. it struck me. my mind is clear.
I caught a glimpse of the big picture.
9.15 Am, I want to write this shit down.
So as i will not forget what i saw. What seemed clear to me. On this fine morning.
After drinking some barcadi and sprite. My mind is clear.
Clear as day.
I've been thinking really really too much about this girl that i really like.
Causing nothing but pain, misery , despair to me as i work in vain to seek the very acceptance of my liking for her.
Yet to her she felt nothing but annoyance and awkward moments.
i dont blame her.
similarly put.
What does a layman know about my liking for bicycles?
What does she know about my liking for her?
Life aint fair.
Some poor kid, Halfway across the globe . Slaving hard to earn a few measly dollars.Here i am fat as fuck. Rotting in front of the Laptop. Pondering . Wasting my youth away.
Life aint fair.
In the last year, i felt nothing but pain , misery , despair, desperation and depression. While the other party felt nothing bu annoyance and awkward moments at most.
Funny isnt it. How i can be so very lucky and unlucky at the same time.
Luck. I'm never short of them.
Its just that. i lack good ones
The last year or so has been the worst fucking period of my life.
I spent 3 years + in silent admiration.
Only to make known my emotions to someone special can get kicked right in the butt straight after.
I'm a shy boy, YES. Funny har?
Nian ? Shy?
The guy who walks up to random people and snap his finger in their face. SHY?
SHY i am, I do not dare to take risks when people's opinions matter
(I want to act, but i dont dare for i fear i may say the wrong things thus altering her opinion and perception)
Bold i am, I do things that most would not at times when the other party's opinions do not matter. (Mess around, i'm ready. For i do not care what other people think when i gaesiao them)
Funky.
It aint fair, the world.
Over the last year , i believed that i've learned alot more that i did.
No longer lives the megalomaniac state of mind i possess.
Confident as fuck i am not.
I've learn humility .
damaging to my mental-self relationships are.
I've felt. for the first time in my life that i'm not good enough for something.
However true your liking or love maybe.
It doesnt matter if it doesnt get through.
Think about the old testament, Wise as it is. Sensible as it is.
To one who does not understand the language. or to one who is unable to comprehend.
No matter how brilliant it is.
It does not matter.
"Love is able to break down the hard shell of the ego, since it is a form of biologicial cooperation in which the emoptions of each are necessary to the fulfillment of the other's instinctive purposes"
My ego has been bruised.
Bruised a great deal.
I'm starting to have doubts in things that i do.
This is bad.
So very bad..
THIS IS AFFECTING THE WAY I APPROACH THINGS.
NO LONGER DO I FEEL JOY IN RIDING BIKES.
I NOW RIDE BIKES AS A TEMPORARY CESSATION OF UNHAPPINESS.
I do not want to give up as she really is one of a kind.
But dude, i feel so hopeless. So fucking useless. i dont know what to do.
For the first time. i have no idea. what i must say how i must react.
I feel that i'm seriously not good enough. I'm totally hopeless.
I feel that i've absolutely no chance. What i feel as i try to talk to her , is that i'm not good enough. If i keep up with this. i'll break. mentally.
fuck man nian. fuck. Emo Creamo. Geezus.
For the last time ever, i'm going to think about how much i like her.
She may be lucky as some say, cause the megalomaniac of Qtss has finally fallen for
(as some say LOL)
True it is that i like her for exactly who she is.
That sweet and alluring smile, readily available on every situation to brighten the day up.
A glance, and i'll be able to fly.
That empathetic mind, who is able to place herself in another's position and to be able to show genuine care and concern.
The sensible mind, who is able to think not only for herself but also her family and friends.
Shes cute , shes pretty, shes small.
People say that shes chubby , but i dont think so.
Shes dainty shes my green princess.
I like the way she thinks , i like the way she behaves, i like the way she gives the semi :S face.LOL. all the subtle actions she does , nian notices.
Oh well
She can sing , she can play, she can be my green princess.
She can laugh she can dance . I'll never have her as the green princess.
Nian has an overwhelming desire to care.
"Not only is love a source of delight , but its absence is a source of pain. In the second place , love is to be valued because it enhances all the best pleasures, such as music and surise in mountains and the sea under the full moon. A man who has never enjoyed beautiful things in the company of a woman whom he loved has not experienced to the full the magic power of which such things are capable."
I guess, i'm not the one. To induce and enhance wonderful things in her world.
O man.
Thats all i'm going to say.
Superintendent goals i have to pursue.
9.30 . Oh man , i'm bleeding through my nose.
LOL!
Year 2060
If i'm alive , i should be 70 years old.
I want to look back. and not forget what i had been able to do as a youth.
My Bike , My Bass , My Cards.
I want to look back and remember all the crazy things that i had done.
It is depressing to know that the girl i really loved is not infavour of me.
Its also fucking sad to think that i've no more then a year or so to ride my bicycle.
To do what i consider my passion and joys of life.
i'm 18.
In a year's time. I'll be enrolling into army.
Soon after i'll complete my army.
My dad would most certainly want me to further my studies and achieve as degree as a minimal.
That i shall do as a filial son. Abroad i have to go.
As i complete my studies , i'll soon join the workforce..
Then, my free time. my personal time shall be history.
My life is relatively simple.
I indulge myself in the smaller pursuits of my life.
Finding true joy through satisfaction of achievement.
True it may be i've learnt that i can not be the best rider ever.
but nevertheless. i still enjoy riding my bicycle.
i've got no more then2 years. before i have to bid farewell to a big part of my life.
I cant cling on to something which i deem , i'm hopeless at.
finally my mind is clear.
My priorities has undergone a major reshuffling.
i figured that no matter how important she is to me, i can never get her.
Cause my desperate attempts have proved futile.
god damn.
For the first time and the last time in my life. I've felt that i'm not good enough.
Keep my fingers crossed,
I hope that in time to come , I'll meet someone as special as her.
One is readily accepting my liking for.
oh man. icant believe i typed all these.
ALL THESE.
Yes nian. likes someone.
And how it is affecting him
he does not like it.
Lying wide awake on the bed, everynight.
Thinking pondering, what he should do, what he could've done.
Instead of how he should think.
Killed a big part of his brilliant mind.
Grieve i'll feel as i spend the rest of my life thinking what i lacked.
or what did i do wrong or what did i not do.
FUCK NIAN FUCK YOU.
Do not read unless you really care.
You dont have to care.
Hes nian. he can handle everything except one thing.
9 Am , Its really really.
I see people around me. Waking up. Getting up for work. Preparing for a new day.
Here i am, Rotting infront of my computer.
Deprived from sleep.
Not that i dont want to sleep. Its just that i cannot sleep.
My friends, both of them. Sound asleep. Behind me.
Here i am. Wide awake. Once again, My train of thoughts has robbed me of my sleep as well as happiness.
Dwelling into negativity.
I hope i've got my mind sorted out.
Cause all of a sudden. it struck me. my mind is clear.
I caught a glimpse of the big picture.
9.15 Am, I want to write this shit down.
So as i will not forget what i saw. What seemed clear to me. On this fine morning.
After drinking some barcadi and sprite. My mind is clear.
Clear as day.
I've been thinking really really too much about this girl that i really like.
Causing nothing but pain, misery , despair to me as i work in vain to seek the very acceptance of my liking for her.
Yet to her she felt nothing but annoyance and awkward moments.
i dont blame her.
similarly put.
What does a layman know about my liking for bicycles?
What does she know about my liking for her?
Life aint fair.
Some poor kid, Halfway across the globe . Slaving hard to earn a few measly dollars.Here i am fat as fuck. Rotting in front of the Laptop. Pondering . Wasting my youth away.
Life aint fair.
In the last year, i felt nothing but pain , misery , despair, desperation and depression. While the other party felt nothing bu annoyance and awkward moments at most.
Funny isnt it. How i can be so very lucky and unlucky at the same time.
Luck. I'm never short of them.
Its just that. i lack good ones
The last year or so has been the worst fucking period of my life.
I spent 3 years + in silent admiration.
Only to make known my emotions to someone special can get kicked right in the butt straight after.
I'm a shy boy, YES. Funny har?
Nian ? Shy?
The guy who walks up to random people and snap his finger in their face. SHY?
SHY i am, I do not dare to take risks when people's opinions matter
(I want to act, but i dont dare for i fear i may say the wrong things thus altering her opinion and perception)
Bold i am, I do things that most would not at times when the other party's opinions do not matter. (Mess around, i'm ready. For i do not care what other people think when i gaesiao them)
Funky.
It aint fair, the world.
Over the last year , i believed that i've learned alot more that i did.
No longer lives the megalomaniac state of mind i possess.
Confident as fuck i am not.
I've learn humility .
damaging to my mental-self relationships are.
I've felt. for the first time in my life that i'm not good enough for something.
However true your liking or love maybe.
It doesnt matter if it doesnt get through.
Think about the old testament, Wise as it is. Sensible as it is.
To one who does not understand the language. or to one who is unable to comprehend.
No matter how brilliant it is.
It does not matter.
"Love is able to break down the hard shell of the ego, since it is a form of biologicial cooperation in which the emoptions of each are necessary to the fulfillment of the other's instinctive purposes"
My ego has been bruised.
Bruised a great deal.
I'm starting to have doubts in things that i do.
This is bad.
So very bad..
THIS IS AFFECTING THE WAY I APPROACH THINGS.
NO LONGER DO I FEEL JOY IN RIDING BIKES.
I NOW RIDE BIKES AS A TEMPORARY CESSATION OF UNHAPPINESS.
I do not want to give up as she really is one of a kind.
But dude, i feel so hopeless. So fucking useless. i dont know what to do.
For the first time. i have no idea. what i must say how i must react.
I feel that i'm seriously not good enough. I'm totally hopeless.
I feel that i've absolutely no chance. What i feel as i try to talk to her , is that i'm not good enough. If i keep up with this. i'll break. mentally.
fuck man nian. fuck. Emo Creamo. Geezus.
For the last time ever, i'm going to think about how much i like her.
She may be lucky as some say, cause the megalomaniac of Qtss has finally fallen for
(as some say LOL)
True it is that i like her for exactly who she is.
That sweet and alluring smile, readily available on every situation to brighten the day up.
A glance, and i'll be able to fly.
That empathetic mind, who is able to place herself in another's position and to be able to show genuine care and concern.
The sensible mind, who is able to think not only for herself but also her family and friends.
Shes cute , shes pretty, shes small.
People say that shes chubby , but i dont think so.
Shes dainty shes my green princess.
I like the way she thinks , i like the way she behaves, i like the way she gives the semi :S face.LOL. all the subtle actions she does , nian notices.
Oh well
She can sing , she can play, she can be my green princess.
She can laugh she can dance . I'll never have her as the green princess.
Nian has an overwhelming desire to care.
"Not only is love a source of delight , but its absence is a source of pain. In the second place , love is to be valued because it enhances all the best pleasures, such as music and surise in mountains and the sea under the full moon. A man who has never enjoyed beautiful things in the company of a woman whom he loved has not experienced to the full the magic power of which such things are capable."
I guess, i'm not the one. To induce and enhance wonderful things in her world.
O man.
Thats all i'm going to say.
Superintendent goals i have to pursue.
9.30 . Oh man , i'm bleeding through my nose.
LOL!
Year 2060
If i'm alive , i should be 70 years old.
I want to look back. and not forget what i had been able to do as a youth.
My Bike , My Bass , My Cards.
I want to look back and remember all the crazy things that i had done.
It is depressing to know that the girl i really loved is not infavour of me.
Its also fucking sad to think that i've no more then a year or so to ride my bicycle.
To do what i consider my passion and joys of life.
i'm 18.
In a year's time. I'll be enrolling into army.
Soon after i'll complete my army.
My dad would most certainly want me to further my studies and achieve as degree as a minimal.
That i shall do as a filial son. Abroad i have to go.
As i complete my studies , i'll soon join the workforce..
Then, my free time. my personal time shall be history.
My life is relatively simple.
I indulge myself in the smaller pursuits of my life.
Finding true joy through satisfaction of achievement.
True it may be i've learnt that i can not be the best rider ever.
but nevertheless. i still enjoy riding my bicycle.
i've got no more then2 years. before i have to bid farewell to a big part of my life.
I cant cling on to something which i deem , i'm hopeless at.
finally my mind is clear.
My priorities has undergone a major reshuffling.
i figured that no matter how important she is to me, i can never get her.
Cause my desperate attempts have proved futile.
god damn.
For the first time and the last time in my life. I've felt that i'm not good enough.
Keep my fingers crossed,
I hope that in time to come , I'll meet someone as special as her.
One is readily accepting my liking for.
oh man. icant believe i typed all these.
ALL THESE.
Yes nian. likes someone.
And how it is affecting him
he does not like it.
Lying wide awake on the bed, everynight.
Thinking pondering, what he should do, what he could've done.
Instead of how he should think.
Killed a big part of his brilliant mind.
Grieve i'll feel as i spend the rest of my life thinking what i lacked.
or what did i do wrong or what did i not do.
FUCK NIAN FUCK YOU.
Lost of motivation
My life is in a fucking mess right now.
Ranking of shitty-ness
#1 : The girl i liked for 4 years, doesnt like me and too maybe avoiding me. (bah , thats the worst emotion a youth can feel)
#2 : I no longer find joy in the things that i liked to do (I dont even look forward to riding, i ride not because it is fun, but because i want to not think about shit)
#3 : I'm feeling emo.(But nian is never emo, just sad. really sad.)
I need to quit my life for awhile .
shes important to me, but yea, i lie to myself about how i try to tell myself i've got other better things to do.
Shes the best thing that i can do.
I'm too shy!
Fucking shy. i dont even dare talk to her in groups
And i blow my chances up.
FUCK LA. i hate my mind for this.
Damnit. see la. because of this. i dont even feel like riding bikes. the thing that i thought i loved to do.
I dont even look forward to riding bikes , not anymore.
I used to sit up all day. thinking about what i'm going to do. what i want to do.
Now, whenever i ride bike. i feel. SIAN-ed.
Just, i feel bored. Somehow. i'm not what i used to be.
I'm going to quit riding for awhile..
I'll have to rediscover my love for riding.
Ride my bicycle, the way i did 2 years ago.
never tired. never sian.
always zipping around even though my peers are slacking smoking.
Nowadays , i slack. i go to skatepark. i sit down and talk trash. ride a little.
Nian, shall quit riding for the time being.
Until he rediscover his passion for riding bicycle.
The zest that he once possessed as soon as he got on his bicycle.
Nian, shall now think. How will he not be shy.
He shall think only about the girl he likes.
Only.
Think about how not to think about how to not think.
but how to think about . what i should tihnk and hwat i should do.
If he is unable to find the zest that he once had.
or maybe, the answer to his problems that caused all this.
fuck riding.
I'm starting to lose interest anyways
nian never gives up.
Nian never will.
Ranking of shitty-ness
#1 : The girl i liked for 4 years, doesnt like me and too maybe avoiding me. (bah , thats the worst emotion a youth can feel)
#2 : I no longer find joy in the things that i liked to do (I dont even look forward to riding, i ride not because it is fun, but because i want to not think about shit)
#3 : I'm feeling emo.(But nian is never emo, just sad. really sad.)
I need to quit my life for awhile .
shes important to me, but yea, i lie to myself about how i try to tell myself i've got other better things to do.
Shes the best thing that i can do.
I'm too shy!
Fucking shy. i dont even dare talk to her in groups
And i blow my chances up.
FUCK LA. i hate my mind for this.
Damnit. see la. because of this. i dont even feel like riding bikes. the thing that i thought i loved to do.
I dont even look forward to riding bikes , not anymore.
I used to sit up all day. thinking about what i'm going to do. what i want to do.
Now, whenever i ride bike. i feel. SIAN-ed.
Just, i feel bored. Somehow. i'm not what i used to be.
I'm going to quit riding for awhile..
I'll have to rediscover my love for riding.
Ride my bicycle, the way i did 2 years ago.
never tired. never sian.
always zipping around even though my peers are slacking smoking.
Nowadays , i slack. i go to skatepark. i sit down and talk trash. ride a little.
Nian, shall quit riding for the time being.
Until he rediscover his passion for riding bicycle.
The zest that he once possessed as soon as he got on his bicycle.
Nian, shall now think. How will he not be shy.
He shall think only about the girl he likes.
Only.
Think about how not to think about how to not think.
but how to think about . what i should tihnk and hwat i should do.
If he is unable to find the zest that he once had.
or maybe, the answer to his problems that caused all this.
fuck riding.
I'm starting to lose interest anyways
nian never gives up.
Nian never will.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Wrong cards
A game that i have willingly placed my life on the line.
To lose would be to lose everything that i like.
but, i'm here for good time .
my life is shit , but i can still have a good time.
I'm here for a good time. Not for a long time
To lose would be to lose everything that i like.
but, i'm here for good time .
my life is shit , but i can still have a good time.
I'm here for a good time. Not for a long time
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Game Over....
ahhhhh..
To think of it i've been acting rather gay the last few months.
I wanted the green princess so bad.
That i allowed my emotions to take the better of me.
Embed in my head was the thought that i'm going to fail and might never get her.
That was prolly one of the reasons why i acted in such a gay manner.
Thus causing me to fail, cause i was negative and pessimistic.
With my head in a slur , i acted in ways that i shouldnt have.
I was constantly thinking of how much i wanted the G.P
That i was unable to think clear.
Its like doing maths equations when you're high on drugs.(Okay.. maybe not)
With a fuzzy mind, i think in ways that i never will. if emotions were not present.
I thought i had everything to lose , (i probably have lost everything)
So i tried everything i could, without thinking of the consequences.
To think in the way that i'll fail, caused me to fail.
I've been fickle in making decisions,
I've failed.
"God be thanked, the meanest of His creatures,
boasts two soul-sides, one to face the world with,
One to show a woman when he loves her!" - Robert browning.
Well not exactly the best quote,
But this relatively unfamiliar emotion has left me befuddled causing me to act in desperation.
I've portrayed an image that prolly fucked everything up.
Allow me to hit the restart button and try again.
To think of it i've been acting rather gay the last few months.
I wanted the green princess so bad.
That i allowed my emotions to take the better of me.
Embed in my head was the thought that i'm going to fail and might never get her.
That was prolly one of the reasons why i acted in such a gay manner.
Thus causing me to fail, cause i was negative and pessimistic.
With my head in a slur , i acted in ways that i shouldnt have.
I was constantly thinking of how much i wanted the G.P
That i was unable to think clear.
Its like doing maths equations when you're high on drugs.(Okay.. maybe not)
With a fuzzy mind, i think in ways that i never will. if emotions were not present.
I thought i had everything to lose , (i probably have lost everything)
So i tried everything i could, without thinking of the consequences.
To think in the way that i'll fail, caused me to fail.
I've been fickle in making decisions,
I've failed.
"God be thanked, the meanest of His creatures,
boasts two soul-sides, one to face the world with,
One to show a woman when he loves her!" - Robert browning.
Well not exactly the best quote,
But this relatively unfamiliar emotion has left me befuddled causing me to act in desperation.
I've portrayed an image that prolly fucked everything up.
Allow me to hit the restart button and try again.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Eternal limbo of uncertainty (1st may)
Dumb trash.
Stuck in the eternal limbo of uncertainty.
Sing a song , Swing along.
Riding bikes is a temporary cessation of unhappiness.
Roll around on rubber wheels, to a layman. what form of happiness does it bring?
Lets do a little mental restructuring.
To a layman, what is there to be unhappy about? Given the current situation
Why dont i view everything unhappy from a layman point of view.
And view subjects and activity from a person who thoroughly enjoys it.
And is not doing it as an escape?
but a layman is un-affected.
Shouldnt one be indifferent to oneself to feel genuine ETERNAL joy?
"Animals feel happy as long as they have good health and sufficient food to eat.human beings , one feels , OUGHT to be , but they are not. at least in a great majority of cases."
- A rip from one of the paragraphs in a book written by bertrand russell a renowned atheist that has written a number of great books , such as In praise of idleness, religion and science. blah blah
And its very fucking frustrating! to sprain your ankle. once again.
The last time i injured my ankle. i took a whopping 6 months to heal.
Why so long?
First, it was rather bad. Huge lump. You could possible conceal an egg in the swellings. that big.
2ndly, haha . i went riding 3 days later.Dude, its the extended holidays man!. The sun smiles, the trees dance. How can you NOT want to ride?!
Oh yea, how did i sprain my ankle?
lazy to tell. but it was doing something stupid and unnecessary
Stuck in the eternal limbo of uncertainty.
Sing a song , Swing along.
Riding bikes is a temporary cessation of unhappiness.
Roll around on rubber wheels, to a layman. what form of happiness does it bring?
Lets do a little mental restructuring.
To a layman, what is there to be unhappy about? Given the current situation
Why dont i view everything unhappy from a layman point of view.
And view subjects and activity from a person who thoroughly enjoys it.
And is not doing it as an escape?
but a layman is un-affected.
Shouldnt one be indifferent to oneself to feel genuine ETERNAL joy?
"Animals feel happy as long as they have good health and sufficient food to eat.human beings , one feels , OUGHT to be , but they are not. at least in a great majority of cases."
- A rip from one of the paragraphs in a book written by bertrand russell a renowned atheist that has written a number of great books , such as In praise of idleness, religion and science. blah blah
And its very fucking frustrating! to sprain your ankle. once again.
The last time i injured my ankle. i took a whopping 6 months to heal.
Why so long?
First, it was rather bad. Huge lump. You could possible conceal an egg in the swellings. that big.
2ndly, haha . i went riding 3 days later.Dude, its the extended holidays man!. The sun smiles, the trees dance. How can you NOT want to ride?!
Oh yea, how did i sprain my ankle?
lazy to tell. but it was doing something stupid and unnecessary
Sleeping thoughts
First thing in my mind when i wake up , last thing in my mind before i pass out.<- that i guess is the reason why i cant sleep. I think of all the mistakes i make. whats more i dont know how to tackle and resolve. fuck. how sia. no guidelines.
Whats worst then having little sleep or no sleep? Not being able to sleep when yuo want to.
GOD DAMNIT.
I need a new reason to live.
Or.
I need to stay on my bike 24/7
ride till i drop. cause i dont have an capacity in my mind to think about others.
Riding is a temporary cessation of depression.
Whats worst then having little sleep or no sleep? Not being able to sleep when yuo want to.
GOD DAMNIT.
I need a new reason to live.
Or.
I need to stay on my bike 24/7
ride till i drop. cause i dont have an capacity in my mind to think about others.
Riding is a temporary cessation of depression.
Green princess woes
We are brought up with the constant reminder that we are not good enough
We Are trained to think that whatever activity we partake in has a large tendency for errors to occur.
We are unknown to failure.
We are unhappy, we are never happy because ,
We acquire things that we have ONLY moderate desire for.
We do not understand that if the process of acquisition is invaluable. It makes the end product invaluable.
An item will be invaluable if the process of creation itself contains no value.
To reap the fruits of labour, why do the fruits taste exception?
Like why do mamee crackers taste soo much better in class(in sec school) then in poly?
We had to work hard to consume junk food in class out of the teacher's attention.
We worked , hence it tastes good.
The key to be happy is to be without something that you value.
Only then when you Finally acquire that something.
You will be genuinely happy.
Seems like, Green princess is out of my reach.
To wait i shall not, to work hard for her i will.
She is one whom i have more then a moderate desire for
She is one whom i have overwhelming desire to care and to embrace.
Cause she will be the source of genuine happiness.
In this materialistic world, Where gods cease to exist,
Fate doesnt exist.
Fate. the summation of chances . is merely a nostalgic way to look at life.
If only. If only. If only .
That will be your downfall.
She is what i want, she is what i will have.
I'll give all i can, whatever i can.
She is the world.
She deserves all the time in my world.
I'll succeed,
I want to be happy.
In a world where materialistic joys die out.
The true and genuine happiness lies in GREEN PRINCESS YO!!!
Shes nirvana, shes the zenith , the pinnacle of nian's desire.
Shes...
MY BELOVED...
FLY TIERRA YO!, too bad. sold to justin liao
HA!
We Are trained to think that whatever activity we partake in has a large tendency for errors to occur.
We are unknown to failure.
We are unhappy, we are never happy because ,
We acquire things that we have ONLY moderate desire for.
We do not understand that if the process of acquisition is invaluable. It makes the end product invaluable.
An item will be invaluable if the process of creation itself contains no value.
To reap the fruits of labour, why do the fruits taste exception?
Like why do mamee crackers taste soo much better in class(in sec school) then in poly?
We had to work hard to consume junk food in class out of the teacher's attention.
We worked , hence it tastes good.
The key to be happy is to be without something that you value.
Only then when you Finally acquire that something.
You will be genuinely happy.
Seems like, Green princess is out of my reach.
To wait i shall not, to work hard for her i will.
She is one whom i have more then a moderate desire for
She is one whom i have overwhelming desire to care and to embrace.
Cause she will be the source of genuine happiness.
In this materialistic world, Where gods cease to exist,
Fate doesnt exist.
Fate. the summation of chances . is merely a nostalgic way to look at life.
If only. If only. If only .
That will be your downfall.
She is what i want, she is what i will have.
I'll give all i can, whatever i can.
She is the world.
She deserves all the time in my world.
I'll succeed,
I want to be happy.
In a world where materialistic joys die out.
The true and genuine happiness lies in GREEN PRINCESS YO!!!
Shes nirvana, shes the zenith , the pinnacle of nian's desire.
Shes...
MY BELOVED...
FLY TIERRA YO!, too bad. sold to justin liao
HA!
I'm 18 years of age,
j'ai dix huit-ans
boku Ju hatchi-sai
wo jing ri shi ba shiu
Or hai sap Pat shiea
I've lived for 18 years,
and 4 of which has been spent liking the green princess.
3.1/2 of which has been pretty much in secrecy.
Now this is a side of nian you'll never see .
I tried, i failed.
Nian is not known for pessimism.
To plenty , nian is never known for giving up.
he likes it. he nails it. and its his.
Because nian always had this confidence that he'll find a way to do it somehow.
I had the confidence. Nian what! Kicking ass.
I had a fucking good mentality.
I still have.
But now , I'm stuck in an all new scenario. Fresh.
I began brimming with confidence.
.....
...
..
.
3.5 Years spent , adoring a saintly being from afar.
At least i was a crazy happy kid.
For the last 16 years , i had this uncanny ability to suppress negative emotions.
Revealing only happiness , To most. Even to that of my poly classmates, they have the impression that i'm a crazy happy kid. But recently , thy evil twin of happiness is back to haunt me.
I need a cure for the extra-ordinary unhappiness from which few people in my plight suffers.
It is all the more unbearable because, It has no obvious external cause , it appears inescapable.
Like i said, Sleep is a temporary cessation to my troubles.
I was unable to tackle this problem like how i usually would.
I cant do it head on,
Unlike many other situations.
This one i cannot fuck up...
But i fucked up.
Head on i went.
Into a brick wall, i crashed.
I allowed a spur of emotions to take the better of me,
Blowing the very confident image that i've portrayed.
I still kick ass.
I'm disappointed, at myself,
The main cause for my failure.
how i lacked the ability to control and think further.
I dont know what to say ,
I dont know how to act
I want to do everything
but theres nothing i can do
I want to give it everything,
but theres nothing that i have of value.
The things that i have are only of a materialistic value.
I'm lucky, to have almost everything i wanted.
And to have everything that i have a moderate desire for, everything becomes nothing.
Now that something of which i have an overwhelming desire to care is present,
I have nothing to give ,
I'm nothing for i have everything
That something is everything cause i'm nothing
To that something ,
I am nothing ...
In this superficial , materialistic world
To most , i'm happy
To those who lack basic amenities, i'm lucky.
I'm not an opportunist , but i am an idealist .
Why have ideas, when i fuck my opportunities up?
I told myself i wanted to be good in interpersonal communication.
Aint working buddy.
who am i to speak of these.
The feelings come back and haunt me everytime i see something that has to do with green princess.
fuck nian stfu. Go study.
YES SIRREEEE!
5/26/08 by NIAN
j'ai dix huit-ans
boku Ju hatchi-sai
wo jing ri shi ba shiu
Or hai sap Pat shiea
I've lived for 18 years,
and 4 of which has been spent liking the green princess.
3.1/2 of which has been pretty much in secrecy.
Now this is a side of nian you'll never see .
I tried, i failed.
Nian is not known for pessimism.
To plenty , nian is never known for giving up.
he likes it. he nails it. and its his.
Because nian always had this confidence that he'll find a way to do it somehow.
I had the confidence. Nian what! Kicking ass.
I had a fucking good mentality.
I still have.
But now , I'm stuck in an all new scenario. Fresh.
I began brimming with confidence.
.....
...
..
.
3.5 Years spent , adoring a saintly being from afar.
At least i was a crazy happy kid.
For the last 16 years , i had this uncanny ability to suppress negative emotions.
Revealing only happiness , To most. Even to that of my poly classmates, they have the impression that i'm a crazy happy kid. But recently , thy evil twin of happiness is back to haunt me.
I need a cure for the extra-ordinary unhappiness from which few people in my plight suffers.
It is all the more unbearable because, It has no obvious external cause , it appears inescapable.
Like i said, Sleep is a temporary cessation to my troubles.
I was unable to tackle this problem like how i usually would.
I cant do it head on,
Unlike many other situations.
This one i cannot fuck up...
But i fucked up.
Head on i went.
Into a brick wall, i crashed.
I allowed a spur of emotions to take the better of me,
Blowing the very confident image that i've portrayed.
I still kick ass.
I'm disappointed, at myself,
The main cause for my failure.
how i lacked the ability to control and think further.
I dont know what to say ,
I dont know how to act
I want to do everything
but theres nothing i can do
I want to give it everything,
but theres nothing that i have of value.
The things that i have are only of a materialistic value.
I'm lucky, to have almost everything i wanted.
And to have everything that i have a moderate desire for, everything becomes nothing.
Now that something of which i have an overwhelming desire to care is present,
I have nothing to give ,
I'm nothing for i have everything
That something is everything cause i'm nothing
To that something ,
I am nothing ...
In this superficial , materialistic world
To most , i'm happy
To those who lack basic amenities, i'm lucky.
I'm not an opportunist , but i am an idealist .
Why have ideas, when i fuck my opportunities up?
I told myself i wanted to be good in interpersonal communication.
Aint working buddy.
who am i to speak of these.
The feelings come back and haunt me everytime i see something that has to do with green princess.
fuck nian stfu. Go study.
YES SIRREEEE!
5/26/08 by NIAN
This blog , is a blog not meant to be read.
it is pessimistic, negative . and all the more demoralizing.
so , What is this space for?
Its created for a fat green kid, rotting behind his pc.
Angry at not the world, but how the world presents it self to him.
Angry at not people around him, but himself for his perception of the world.
Hes a happy kid. hes me
it is pessimistic, negative . and all the more demoralizing.
so , What is this space for?
Its created for a fat green kid, rotting behind his pc.
Angry at not the world, but how the world presents it self to him.
Angry at not people around him, but himself for his perception of the world.
Hes a happy kid. hes me
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