Selective perspective

Deemed Childish by nian.
Do not read unless you really care.
You dont have to care.
Hes nian. he can handle everything except one thing.




9 Am , Its really really.
I see people around me. Waking up. Getting up for work. Preparing for a new day.
Here i am, Rotting infront of my computer.
Deprived from sleep.
Not that i dont want to sleep. Its just that i cannot sleep.

My friends, both of them. Sound asleep. Behind me.
Here i am. Wide awake. Once again, My train of thoughts has robbed me of my sleep as well as happiness.

Dwelling into negativity.

I hope i've got my mind sorted out.
Cause all of a sudden. it struck me. my mind is clear.

I caught a glimpse of the big picture.



9.15 Am, I want to write this shit down.
So as i will not forget what i saw. What seemed clear to me. On this fine morning.
After drinking some barcadi and sprite. My mind is clear.
Clear as day.


I've been thinking really really too much about this girl that i really like.
Causing nothing but pain, misery , despair to me as i work in vain to seek the very acceptance of my liking for her.

Yet to her she felt nothing but annoyance and awkward moments.
i dont blame her.
similarly put.
What does a layman know about my liking for bicycles?
What does she know about my liking for her?

Life aint fair.
Some poor kid, Halfway across the globe . Slaving hard to earn a few measly dollars.Here i am fat as fuck. Rotting in front of the Laptop. Pondering . Wasting my youth away.
Life aint fair.
In the last year, i felt nothing but pain , misery , despair, desperation and depression. While the other party felt nothing bu annoyance and awkward moments at most.


Funny isnt it. How i can be so very lucky and unlucky at the same time.
Luck. I'm never short of them.
Its just that. i lack good ones



The last year or so has been the worst fucking period of my life.
I spent 3 years + in silent admiration.
Only to make known my emotions to someone special can get kicked right in the butt straight after.

I'm a shy boy, YES. Funny har?
Nian ? Shy?
The guy who walks up to random people and snap his finger in their face. SHY?

SHY i am, I do not dare to take risks when people's opinions matter
(I want to act, but i dont dare for i fear i may say the wrong things thus altering her opinion and perception)
Bold i am, I do things that most would not at times when the other party's opinions do not matter. (Mess around, i'm ready. For i do not care what other people think when i gaesiao them)

Funky.
It aint fair, the world.

Over the last year , i believed that i've learned alot more that i did.
No longer lives the megalomaniac state of mind i possess.
Confident as fuck i am not.
I've learn humility .

damaging to my mental-self relationships are.
I've felt. for the first time in my life that i'm not good enough for something.

However true your liking or love maybe.
It doesnt matter if it doesnt get through.
Think about the old testament, Wise as it is. Sensible as it is.
To one who does not understand the language. or to one who is unable to comprehend.
No matter how brilliant it is.
It does not matter.

"Love is able to break down the hard shell of the ego, since it is a form of biologicial cooperation in which the emoptions of each are necessary to the fulfillment of the other's instinctive purposes"
My ego has been bruised.
Bruised a great deal.

I'm starting to have doubts in things that i do.
This is bad.
So very bad..


THIS IS AFFECTING THE WAY I APPROACH THINGS.
NO LONGER DO I FEEL JOY IN RIDING BIKES.
I NOW RIDE BIKES AS A TEMPORARY CESSATION OF UNHAPPINESS.

I do not want to give up as she really is one of a kind.
But dude, i feel so hopeless. So fucking useless. i dont know what to do.
For the first time. i have no idea. what i must say how i must react.
I feel that i'm seriously not good enough. I'm totally hopeless.
I feel that i've absolutely no chance. What i feel as i try to talk to her , is that i'm not good enough. If i keep up with this. i'll break. mentally.

fuck man nian. fuck. Emo Creamo. Geezus.


For the last time ever, i'm going to think about how much i like her.

She may be lucky as some say, cause the megalomaniac of Qtss has finally fallen for
(as some say LOL)
True it is that i like her for exactly who she is.
That sweet and alluring smile, readily available on every situation to brighten the day up.
A glance, and i'll be able to fly.
That empathetic mind, who is able to place herself in another's position and to be able to show genuine care and concern.
The sensible mind, who is able to think not only for herself but also her family and friends.
Shes cute , shes pretty, shes small.
People say that shes chubby , but i dont think so.
Shes dainty shes my green princess.


I like the way she thinks , i like the way she behaves, i like the way she gives the semi :S face.LOL. all the subtle actions she does , nian notices.

Oh well

She can sing , she can play, she can be my green princess.
She can laugh she can dance . I'll never have her as the green princess.
Nian has an overwhelming desire to care.


"Not only is love a source of delight , but its absence is a source of pain. In the second place , love is to be valued because it enhances all the best pleasures, such as music and surise in mountains and the sea under the full moon. A man who has never enjoyed beautiful things in the company of a woman whom he loved has not experienced to the full the magic power of which such things are capable."

I guess, i'm not the one. To induce and enhance wonderful things in her world.

O man.
Thats all i'm going to say.
Superintendent goals i have to pursue.


9.30 . Oh man , i'm bleeding through my nose.
LOL!

Year 2060
If i'm alive , i should be 70 years old.
I want to look back. and not forget what i had been able to do as a youth.
My Bike , My Bass , My Cards.

I want to look back and remember all the crazy things that i had done.

It is depressing to know that the girl i really loved is not infavour of me.
Its also fucking sad to think that i've no more then a year or so to ride my bicycle.
To do what i consider my passion and joys of life.

i'm 18.
In a year's time. I'll be enrolling into army.
Soon after i'll complete my army.
My dad would most certainly want me to further my studies and achieve as degree as a minimal.
That i shall do as a filial son. Abroad i have to go.

As i complete my studies , i'll soon join the workforce..

Then, my free time. my personal time shall be history.



My life is relatively simple.
I indulge myself in the smaller pursuits of my life.
Finding true joy through satisfaction of achievement.

True it may be i've learnt that i can not be the best rider ever.
but nevertheless. i still enjoy riding my bicycle.

i've got no more then2 years. before i have to bid farewell to a big part of my life.



I cant cling on to something which i deem , i'm hopeless at.
finally my mind is clear.
My priorities has undergone a major reshuffling.
i figured that no matter how important she is to me, i can never get her.
Cause my desperate attempts have proved futile.
god damn.


For the first time and the last time in my life. I've felt that i'm not good enough.

Keep my fingers crossed,
I hope that in time to come , I'll meet someone as special as her.
One is readily accepting my liking for.





oh man. icant believe i typed all these.
ALL THESE.

Yes nian. likes someone.
And how it is affecting him
he does not like it.


Lying wide awake on the bed, everynight.
Thinking pondering, what he should do, what he could've done.
Instead of how he should think.

Killed a big part of his brilliant mind.
Grieve i'll feel as i spend the rest of my life thinking what i lacked.
or what did i do wrong or what did i not do.


FUCK NIAN FUCK YOU.