Lost of motivation

My life is in a fucking mess right now.

Ranking of shitty-ness
#1 : The girl i liked for 4 years, doesnt like me and too maybe avoiding me. (bah , thats the worst emotion a youth can feel)
#2 : I no longer find joy in the things that i liked to do (I dont even look forward to riding, i ride not because it is fun, but because i want to not think about shit)
#3 : I'm feeling emo.(But nian is never emo, just sad. really sad.)

I need to quit my life for awhile .

shes important to me, but yea, i lie to myself about how i try to tell myself i've got other better things to do.
Shes the best thing that i can do.

I'm too shy!
Fucking shy. i dont even dare talk to her in groups
And i blow my chances up.
FUCK LA. i hate my mind for this.



Damnit. see la. because of this. i dont even feel like riding bikes. the thing that i thought i loved to do.

I dont even look forward to riding bikes , not anymore.
I used to sit up all day. thinking about what i'm going to do. what i want to do.
Now, whenever i ride bike. i feel. SIAN-ed.
Just, i feel bored. Somehow. i'm not what i used to be.



I'm going to quit riding for awhile..
I'll have to rediscover my love for riding.

Ride my bicycle, the way i did 2 years ago.
never tired. never sian.
always zipping around even though my peers are slacking smoking.

Nowadays , i slack. i go to skatepark. i sit down and talk trash. ride a little.


Nian, shall quit riding for the time being.
Until he rediscover his passion for riding bicycle.
The zest that he once possessed as soon as he got on his bicycle.

Nian, shall now think. How will he not be shy.
He shall think only about the girl he likes.
Only.
Think about how not to think about how to not think.
but how to think about . what i should tihnk and hwat i should do.


If he is unable to find the zest that he once had.
or maybe, the answer to his problems that caused all this.
fuck riding.

I'm starting to lose interest anyways

nian never gives up.
Nian never will.