Green Princess Still

I doubt anyone visits this blog

she'll still going to be my motivation
Its not easy to give up something i've been *nian*(sticking) holding on to for 4 years.
Dont blame me if i try to jio her after her poly finishes.
School first. She can reject me all you what. but i'm nian
I try not once not twice but i try it till i succeed.Cause she is still my green princess


Dont steal my motivation.
I cannot live being non-motivated.(not playing bass , not reading books , not playing cards)
4 Years... whats another 10?


Man ..
I like her alot alot alot.
And i doubt she knows the extent to which i do.
but so what if she knows?
I dont know what i can do to make her feel the same.


To me shes the world
To her i'm just another friend.

Funny how things work.
Life isnt fair. Yet we all preach about democracy and fairness.
It is a known fact that we all fail to admit.

Why are we humans so obstinate about the negative?
And yet we all claim to be optimistic.

Befuddling huh .
I know my priorities, i know what i want.
but i dont know what does she want?
how can i work for her?

Maybe , hopefully. In time...
I'll get to her. If 4 years aint long enough, i'll do it for another 10. If 14 aint long enough. i'll do it till i die.

Vying hopelessly for a place in her heart,
I shall perish. Unknown to the faults that i make.
Hidden from the qualities that i lack.

Time ago, Coco asked me
What if someone you really liked came by, what would you do?
Back then i was happier and very much more unknowing

This someone came by,
I was warned, i was told.
I never thought.
That i'll fail.

I put everything on the line.
but that everything wasn't enough to fill up the line.


Am i too crazy to be liked?
it has to be me.

I have what everyone wants, Toys , Gizmos.
but i have nothing that everyone needs.

I'm not perfect, But i practice. Not to be perfect
but to be good enough. Hopefully for my green princess.

She likes guys who can sing and play the gutiar.
i play my bass, but i cannot sing for nuts.
I guess i'm not born with it.

I'm not exactly good looking
i guess i'm not born with it.

Why do i have to possess qualities that she does not care about?
I may not be the smartest prick on earth.
but i am alot more determined then any of you.

I may not be the best looking
but i'm a shit load more dedicated then one with charming looks


She is too nice.
Perhaps the nicest and the most unique person i even met.
When will i be good enough?

...


Just as i thought.
I am a shell of what i used to be.
What made nian .. nian was well his determination and motivation.
Never unmotivated
never undetermined.

I'll be the asshole who cheers myself out.
The asshole who would ride alone on certain days.
Just to improve and tackle a curb.
The asshole who rides for hours in the vicinity of the GP's home
hoping to catch a glance of her.





My priorities.
I know what i want.
but i dont know what to work for what i want

No more no more

Ah , good that i've given up on the green princess.
Reading through what i've typed seemed irrelevant now.

Childish i was. hahaha, funky how i held on so dearly to something that caused me so much damage.

Mentally and physically (No i do no self-mutilate)
But in an attempt to forget i ride reckless-ly.


I'm sure i've changed, and reverted partially to that of the old nian.
I lost my love for her and so did my passion for riding.
or maybe , i rode for her.

i dont know. why did i do that for.
did i think that will actually impress her?

what happened to the genuine satisfaction i derived from learning a new trick?
i dont know, i dont want to know.

Come what may.

i've got a feeling i'm going to love whats coming for me.
I'm sure i'll be better then my dad.
but i cant wait to find out the new passions of my life.


I cant wait to find new stuff that i enjoy doing.



I see her msn, i want to talk but i don't
err broken english.
hahaha.

Yea!

i like the way it is now.
this is not denial, this is hope at its very minimal.
ok no more.
hhahaha chillax!

6/10/08

Man , I didnt sleep for 2 straight days.
And now. i'll still awake 5am.

Wide awake.(well. not exactly..)
just bothered by some stuff.

Ok la, truth is . theres a girl whom i really like.
Yes.

Cant seem to get through to her.
Fucking hell. i'm becoming just like everyone else.
No longer nian. uniquely nian.

Where girl problems = no problems.


Man, i really do like that girl alot.
She is who i like.
damn, unlike sec school crushes. where you only like a person for her outlooks.
This one is totally different.
I love her personality.
I love who is she.
I love how she thinks
and i love what she does.

I love the way she acts speaks and shit.

Oh yea.



haha, everything i though i wanted , is nothing that i really wanted.
This makes my life, sad..

In contrast to that of my secondary school days
The happy facade. The smiling visage. Born i'm with.
I'm stuck with taht. cause taht is what makes nian , nian.


Haha.

Oh well. Being heartbroken is the worst ever fucking feeling.
Theres NOTHING yuo can do about it.

NOTHING i can do.

The origin, is not from me, myself. But from external sources of which you have no control over.
It is unconditional pain.
It comes anytime .

unlike , stress and depression.
Stress comes from the person himself.
You can control your perception of the degree of importance a project is and hence you can change you idea of stress.

Not . Oh man.

I sound gay.

I better quit.
this aint nian


TMR! i shall post on all the things i like to do.
Hopefully to forget this shit.

Friends we shall be, my liking for her shall never cease.
In fear of losing that very special seconds of my life to speak to her.
I wait as a friend.
In the hopes of her accepting and acknowledging my liking for her.

Slowly, Quietly. Passively.


on my bike.
i need my bike.
Please.

Selective perspective

Deemed Childish by nian.
Do not read unless you really care.
You dont have to care.
Hes nian. he can handle everything except one thing.




9 Am , Its really really.
I see people around me. Waking up. Getting up for work. Preparing for a new day.
Here i am, Rotting infront of my computer.
Deprived from sleep.
Not that i dont want to sleep. Its just that i cannot sleep.

My friends, both of them. Sound asleep. Behind me.
Here i am. Wide awake. Once again, My train of thoughts has robbed me of my sleep as well as happiness.

Dwelling into negativity.

I hope i've got my mind sorted out.
Cause all of a sudden. it struck me. my mind is clear.

I caught a glimpse of the big picture.



9.15 Am, I want to write this shit down.
So as i will not forget what i saw. What seemed clear to me. On this fine morning.
After drinking some barcadi and sprite. My mind is clear.
Clear as day.


I've been thinking really really too much about this girl that i really like.
Causing nothing but pain, misery , despair to me as i work in vain to seek the very acceptance of my liking for her.

Yet to her she felt nothing but annoyance and awkward moments.
i dont blame her.
similarly put.
What does a layman know about my liking for bicycles?
What does she know about my liking for her?

Life aint fair.
Some poor kid, Halfway across the globe . Slaving hard to earn a few measly dollars.Here i am fat as fuck. Rotting in front of the Laptop. Pondering . Wasting my youth away.
Life aint fair.
In the last year, i felt nothing but pain , misery , despair, desperation and depression. While the other party felt nothing bu annoyance and awkward moments at most.


Funny isnt it. How i can be so very lucky and unlucky at the same time.
Luck. I'm never short of them.
Its just that. i lack good ones



The last year or so has been the worst fucking period of my life.
I spent 3 years + in silent admiration.
Only to make known my emotions to someone special can get kicked right in the butt straight after.

I'm a shy boy, YES. Funny har?
Nian ? Shy?
The guy who walks up to random people and snap his finger in their face. SHY?

SHY i am, I do not dare to take risks when people's opinions matter
(I want to act, but i dont dare for i fear i may say the wrong things thus altering her opinion and perception)
Bold i am, I do things that most would not at times when the other party's opinions do not matter. (Mess around, i'm ready. For i do not care what other people think when i gaesiao them)

Funky.
It aint fair, the world.

Over the last year , i believed that i've learned alot more that i did.
No longer lives the megalomaniac state of mind i possess.
Confident as fuck i am not.
I've learn humility .

damaging to my mental-self relationships are.
I've felt. for the first time in my life that i'm not good enough for something.

However true your liking or love maybe.
It doesnt matter if it doesnt get through.
Think about the old testament, Wise as it is. Sensible as it is.
To one who does not understand the language. or to one who is unable to comprehend.
No matter how brilliant it is.
It does not matter.

"Love is able to break down the hard shell of the ego, since it is a form of biologicial cooperation in which the emoptions of each are necessary to the fulfillment of the other's instinctive purposes"
My ego has been bruised.
Bruised a great deal.

I'm starting to have doubts in things that i do.
This is bad.
So very bad..


THIS IS AFFECTING THE WAY I APPROACH THINGS.
NO LONGER DO I FEEL JOY IN RIDING BIKES.
I NOW RIDE BIKES AS A TEMPORARY CESSATION OF UNHAPPINESS.

I do not want to give up as she really is one of a kind.
But dude, i feel so hopeless. So fucking useless. i dont know what to do.
For the first time. i have no idea. what i must say how i must react.
I feel that i'm seriously not good enough. I'm totally hopeless.
I feel that i've absolutely no chance. What i feel as i try to talk to her , is that i'm not good enough. If i keep up with this. i'll break. mentally.

fuck man nian. fuck. Emo Creamo. Geezus.


For the last time ever, i'm going to think about how much i like her.

She may be lucky as some say, cause the megalomaniac of Qtss has finally fallen for
(as some say LOL)
True it is that i like her for exactly who she is.
That sweet and alluring smile, readily available on every situation to brighten the day up.
A glance, and i'll be able to fly.
That empathetic mind, who is able to place herself in another's position and to be able to show genuine care and concern.
The sensible mind, who is able to think not only for herself but also her family and friends.
Shes cute , shes pretty, shes small.
People say that shes chubby , but i dont think so.
Shes dainty shes my green princess.


I like the way she thinks , i like the way she behaves, i like the way she gives the semi :S face.LOL. all the subtle actions she does , nian notices.

Oh well

She can sing , she can play, she can be my green princess.
She can laugh she can dance . I'll never have her as the green princess.
Nian has an overwhelming desire to care.


"Not only is love a source of delight , but its absence is a source of pain. In the second place , love is to be valued because it enhances all the best pleasures, such as music and surise in mountains and the sea under the full moon. A man who has never enjoyed beautiful things in the company of a woman whom he loved has not experienced to the full the magic power of which such things are capable."

I guess, i'm not the one. To induce and enhance wonderful things in her world.

O man.
Thats all i'm going to say.
Superintendent goals i have to pursue.


9.30 . Oh man , i'm bleeding through my nose.
LOL!

Year 2060
If i'm alive , i should be 70 years old.
I want to look back. and not forget what i had been able to do as a youth.
My Bike , My Bass , My Cards.

I want to look back and remember all the crazy things that i had done.

It is depressing to know that the girl i really loved is not infavour of me.
Its also fucking sad to think that i've no more then a year or so to ride my bicycle.
To do what i consider my passion and joys of life.

i'm 18.
In a year's time. I'll be enrolling into army.
Soon after i'll complete my army.
My dad would most certainly want me to further my studies and achieve as degree as a minimal.
That i shall do as a filial son. Abroad i have to go.

As i complete my studies , i'll soon join the workforce..

Then, my free time. my personal time shall be history.



My life is relatively simple.
I indulge myself in the smaller pursuits of my life.
Finding true joy through satisfaction of achievement.

True it may be i've learnt that i can not be the best rider ever.
but nevertheless. i still enjoy riding my bicycle.

i've got no more then2 years. before i have to bid farewell to a big part of my life.



I cant cling on to something which i deem , i'm hopeless at.
finally my mind is clear.
My priorities has undergone a major reshuffling.
i figured that no matter how important she is to me, i can never get her.
Cause my desperate attempts have proved futile.
god damn.


For the first time and the last time in my life. I've felt that i'm not good enough.

Keep my fingers crossed,
I hope that in time to come , I'll meet someone as special as her.
One is readily accepting my liking for.





oh man. icant believe i typed all these.
ALL THESE.

Yes nian. likes someone.
And how it is affecting him
he does not like it.


Lying wide awake on the bed, everynight.
Thinking pondering, what he should do, what he could've done.
Instead of how he should think.

Killed a big part of his brilliant mind.
Grieve i'll feel as i spend the rest of my life thinking what i lacked.
or what did i do wrong or what did i not do.


FUCK NIAN FUCK YOU.

Lost of motivation

My life is in a fucking mess right now.

Ranking of shitty-ness
#1 : The girl i liked for 4 years, doesnt like me and too maybe avoiding me. (bah , thats the worst emotion a youth can feel)
#2 : I no longer find joy in the things that i liked to do (I dont even look forward to riding, i ride not because it is fun, but because i want to not think about shit)
#3 : I'm feeling emo.(But nian is never emo, just sad. really sad.)

I need to quit my life for awhile .

shes important to me, but yea, i lie to myself about how i try to tell myself i've got other better things to do.
Shes the best thing that i can do.

I'm too shy!
Fucking shy. i dont even dare talk to her in groups
And i blow my chances up.
FUCK LA. i hate my mind for this.



Damnit. see la. because of this. i dont even feel like riding bikes. the thing that i thought i loved to do.

I dont even look forward to riding bikes , not anymore.
I used to sit up all day. thinking about what i'm going to do. what i want to do.
Now, whenever i ride bike. i feel. SIAN-ed.
Just, i feel bored. Somehow. i'm not what i used to be.



I'm going to quit riding for awhile..
I'll have to rediscover my love for riding.

Ride my bicycle, the way i did 2 years ago.
never tired. never sian.
always zipping around even though my peers are slacking smoking.

Nowadays , i slack. i go to skatepark. i sit down and talk trash. ride a little.


Nian, shall quit riding for the time being.
Until he rediscover his passion for riding bicycle.
The zest that he once possessed as soon as he got on his bicycle.

Nian, shall now think. How will he not be shy.
He shall think only about the girl he likes.
Only.
Think about how not to think about how to not think.
but how to think about . what i should tihnk and hwat i should do.


If he is unable to find the zest that he once had.
or maybe, the answer to his problems that caused all this.
fuck riding.

I'm starting to lose interest anyways

nian never gives up.
Nian never will.

Wrong cards

A game that i have willingly placed my life on the line.
To lose would be to lose everything that i like.

but, i'm here for good time .
my life is shit , but i can still have a good time.
I'm here for a good time. Not for a long time

Game Over....

ahhhhh..
To think of it i've been acting rather gay the last few months.

I wanted the green princess so bad.
That i allowed my emotions to take the better of me.


Embed in my head was the thought that i'm going to fail and might never get her.
That was prolly one of the reasons why i acted in such a gay manner.
Thus causing me to fail, cause i was negative and pessimistic.


With my head in a slur , i acted in ways that i shouldnt have.
I was constantly thinking of how much i wanted the G.P
That i was unable to think clear.

Its like doing maths equations when you're high on drugs.(Okay.. maybe not)

With a fuzzy mind, i think in ways that i never will. if emotions were not present.


I thought i had everything to lose , (i probably have lost everything)
So i tried everything i could, without thinking of the consequences.


To think in the way that i'll fail, caused me to fail.


I've been fickle in making decisions,

I've failed.

"God be thanked, the meanest of His creatures,
boasts two soul-sides, one to face the world with,
One to show a woman when he loves her!" - Robert browning.

Well not exactly the best quote,
But this relatively unfamiliar emotion has left me befuddled causing me to act in desperation.


I've portrayed an image that prolly fucked everything up.


Allow me to hit the restart button and try again.